~i'll build a castle that won't fall down~

*
~
Traveling like a broken boat
Heading for the sky,
And I'm an island.
~
*

I've been thinking a lot lately. Surprising, I know. A chat with Kirker tonight gave me even more to think about and I deserve not so much a negativity dance as an all-singing, all-dancing, fabulously-clad negativity chorus line.

I sort of need to take a step back towards, well, everyone, because I've sort of cut myself off from most of the people I know, if that makes sense. I still see them as often as I used to and everything, I just don't relate to them anymore. I don't just go up and talk to people, and if they come to me then I'm usually a little bit too surprised at that. I have some bridges that I didn't so much burn as neglect and leave to decay a little. Nice. It took me a while to realise what sort of attitude had entered into my mind without me even noticing. The words I used when I was talking to Kirker were, 'nobody really cares whether I say something or not anyway'. So this is me saying something. The last few months have been strange and it's difficult to explain. It was even hard to explain to Rachel. It felt great to let things go over my head and to never cry at anything anymore but indifference lost its appeal when I realised that I disconnected myself from nearly everything. The phrase 'I don't mind' has been steadily replaced by 'I don't care' lately, even in conversation. And technically those two things mean the same thing, but to me they're entirely different. I hate the phrase 'I don't care' almost as much as I hate 'I want', and yet I've started saying it and i was true. I really didn't care about a lot of things I should have cared about. My relationship with God hasn't suffered yet, but I know that's coming if I don't sort myself out now.

I guess it doesn't make much sense, but I need to stop acting like me and start being me. Stop just doing the things that people expect of me and that I think will make people like me just for the sake of going through the motions and getting through the day unscathed and unhumiliated because I did/said x, y or z. I don't fit in with the crowd. I blend in with the furniture. I used to not do that. I used to have so much more energy and just do silly little things because I cared or because it seemed like a good idea at the time. I need to talk more to the people I love, and share more becuase I'm not just for myself. God has given me a gift and put people in front of me and I've been ignoring it all.

Just saying.